● MISSION CONTROL — LIVE
⚠ ANOMALY DETECTED

Sensors indicate a subject has aged exactly one (1) year.

Threat level: festive. Action required.

SUBJECT
VIKAS

🔊 Volume up. This protocol involves singing. Non-negotiable.

// TRANSMISSION RECEIVED · ORBIT ACHIEVED
Astronaut Vikas
CMDR. VIKAS · CLASS OF "OLD"

HAPPY
BIRTHDAY

VIKAS

You survived another full orbit around the sun without major incident. Frankly, we're as surprised as you are. 🎉

↓ keep scrolling, the roast continues ↓
🚨 BREAKING: VIKAS IS OFFICIALLY OLDER·WITNESSES REPORT HE STILL CAN'T COOK·CAKE STATUS: ENDANGERED 🎂·LOCAL MAN OPENS GIFT, FAKES JOY CONVINCINGLY· 🚨 BREAKING: VIKAS IS OFFICIALLY OLDER·WITNESSES REPORT HE STILL CAN'T COOK·CAKE STATUS: ENDANGERED 🎂·LOCAL MAN OPENS GIFT, FAKES JOY CONVINCINGLY·
FILE #404 · CLEARANCE: BESTIE

MISSION REPORT

SUBJECTVikas, allegedly
DESIGNATIONCertified Legend [citation needed]
AGE[REDACTED FOR HIS DIGNITY]
FUEL90% chai · 10% pure audacity
THREATreplies "haha" to your paragraph
ABILITYturns any chat into "back in my day"
STATUS✅ one year more iconic
UPTIME AS A LEGEND THIS SESSION
00:00:00
INTERCEPTED · DO NOT DISTRIBUTE

THE EVIDENCE

Vikas in NASA shirt EXHIBIT A
Claims to be an astronaut. Furthest he's travelled is the fridge — and even that required motivation.
Vikas in a shop EXHIBIT B
Caught haggling for a phone like the shopkeeper personally insulted his entire family. Saved ₹50. Felt like a CEO.
Vikas talking EXHIBIT C
Mid-monologue. Nobody asked the question. He's answering it anyway. At length. With a follow-up.
Vikas in EW PEOPLE shirt EXHIBIT D
His official, government-stamped opinion on humanity. And yet — here we all are, throwing him a party. The audacity goes both ways.
FINAL OBJECTIVE

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES

Tap each flame. Make a wish. Try not to spit on the cake this year.

🔥
🔥
🔥
🔥
🔥
VIKAS
🎉 WISH GRANTED. PROBABLY. 🎉
BIRTHDAY ORACLE v9000

GENERATE A WISH

Tap the button. The Oracle is contractually obligated to be slightly insulting.

Okay, roast over. For real — you're one of the genuinely good ones, Vikas. The kind of friend who shows up, even wearing a shirt that says "EW, PEOPLE." Here's to another orbit. 🚀

MISSION: VIKAS · transmitted with love (and zero professionalism) by a friend who clearly had too much time.